Moms: Get Involved! (Without Stepping on the Bride’s Toes)

Atlanta Moms of the Wedding – this one’s for you!

The minute that diamond ring is on the bride-to-be’s finger, some moms (not YOU, of course!) lose their minds, forget all about decorum and take off at 200 miles per hour to “help” with the wedding plans. (“Help?” Ha!) And by the time the sun rises the next morning, that the mother of the bride with the impulse-control problem has all of the plans made, the sites booked, the vendors on speed dial, the bouquets designed and the seating chart already done in a cute, interactive spreadsheet that lets you Photoshop your guests’ photos into their places at each table. And set little drink icons in front of each of them.

What you get in that scenario is a steaming-mad bride and perhaps a couple who break their own land-speed records to book a destination wedding and leave you at home.

Don’t let your excitement get you cut out of the planning. You can get involved without stepping on the bride’s toes, without embarking upon a one-upmanship game against “the other side” as you determine who gets to plan what, and without doing anything you’ll regret later.

Here are the top tips for getting yourself invited into the planning circle — and remaining welcome to stay there:

* First, let the couple breathe. They just got engaged! Now is the time to celebrate their big news, applaud the groom for his creative marriage proposal, share the joy of letting family know your baby’s gotten engaged, pop champagne corks and take lots of pictures as you, family and friends fete the happy couple. Don’t rush right through all that emotion and joy just so you can start planning the wedding. Feel the love first.

* Keep quiet — for now. When relatives and family friends hear about the couple’s engagement, they often call the parents to share their congratulations. But here’s the sticky part: Some might ask when the wedding will be, expecting to be invited. This is where you become a superhero to the bride and groom when you say, “The wedding plans haven’t been finalized yet, and the kids are in charge of the details, so I’m sorry I don’t have any idea how large a wedding or any other information. We’re just celebrating their happy news right now, and I’ll give them your best wishes!” You’ve just been diplomatic, a teeny bit vague, and you didn’t try to “be nice” and thus let every relative plan on attending this wedding. Be quiet for now, let the couple lead the creation of the guest list and watch how appreciative they are when you tell them you held off Aunt Gertie. Brides say that when a mom shows loyalty and respect like this, they get invited to do a lot more with the wedding plans.

* Say what you do well. Let the couple know what you bring to the table and how you can be a huge asset to their wedding-planning team and their budget. If you create amazing graphics, you could design their invitations or programs. If you bake a cake that could be on the cover of a bridal magazine, you could be in charge of the wedding cake, the bridal-shower cake, the groom’s cake or the desserts for the rehearsal dinner. If you’re a master negotiator with your law background, you could be the couple’s contracts consultant, reviewing all contracts before they sign. And if you sing like a bird, maybe you’ll be asked to do a number during the ceremony. But you have to let them know what you can offer.

* Ask first. Don’t even think about using the tactic that some people use to get ahead at the office: Do first, apologize later. Everything you do during this wedding-planning season gets immortalized. And magnified. The couple would not only be mad now if you went ahead and booked a nonrefundable site or cake, but they’d remember it forever and they’d never trust you again. It’s far better in the long run, even if you risk hearing a No from the bride and groom at times, to ask before you act.

* Be fair to the other side. The other side of the family, soon to be your extended family, will have wishes of their own for elements of the ceremony and reception, so don’t get offended — and do not compete — if you find that the “other” mom has already arranged the limos. That said, have some compassion for the bride and groom who are trying to make all the parents happy and still have a wedding that reflects THEM and their loves. If you push too hard, too often, you’ll definitely be stepping on toes — not just the bride’s, but the groom’s and their other loved ones’, too.

* Slow it down. Don’t overwhelm the bride by e-mailing wedding ideas every day. Instead, plan to have breakfast with her every other weekend, during which you can work together on your assigned tasks, hear more about how the plans are evolving and talk about other things besides the wedding. Don’t think that the squeaky wheel gets the wedding-cake designs. Many brides say that pushy moms get to help with fewer wedding details, because they’ve been a giant pain in the butt.

* Watch how you word it. You already know to ask first, but what’s all-important is HOW you ask. Try this: “I have a few ideas for you to discuss with [name of bride/groom], just a few things I’ve seen and thought you’d love.” Again, when you show respect to the couple as the decision-makers, your requests will be more welcome each time. Now, if you see a problem in one of their plans, you still need to use wording that respects the bride/groom as a chief planner: “I was thinking of how hot it’s likely to be outside in August, so what do you think about serving the cocktail appetizers indoors to keep everything cool and fresh and give guests the chance to gather indoors or out, their choice?” Not, “Oh, you’re not a cook like I am, so you don’t know that cheeses and seafood will go bad in the heat, so let me just arrange to have the appetizers served inside, OK? One less thing for you to think about.”

* Don’t forget the showers! By that, I mean let the maid of honor and the bridesmaids know that you’re available to help with anything they need for the bridal shower. All they have to do is ask. Then step back and stay true to your word. They ask, you help. No trying to take over, even if you think your bigger budget would make for a nicer, larger party for the bride (and perhaps the groom, too, at a coed shower). The maid of honor and bridesmaids won’t appreciate that very much. So ask nicely and put all the prior tips into place so that you can get involved in these celebrations without stepping on anyone’s toes.

Thanks to AisleDash for this great article and the image from Getty images.

How is your mother? Is she stepping on anyone’s toes?

About Bel Fiore Bridal

Bel Fiore Bridal is an atlanta bridal shop specializing in wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, bridal veils, bridal shoes, tuxedos, and other wedding attire.